The Boston Police is forcing me to share this: DEAR ALL, my name turned up in an investigation related to a hit-and-run that caused a 12 car crash in West Boston early yesterday.
Evidently, the crash resulted in a widespread power outage for 20 hours, which caused someone's rare Peppermint Angelfish to pass away from lack of access to its auto-feeder.
The Boston Police traced a trashcan lid to my house by reviewing @ringcamera footage from my absolute NARC (!!) of a neighbor Nancy who is a spry 83 year-old living out her sad, pitiful HOA-enforcing life across the street from me...
Well, as the Ring footage would indicate and as I am required under threat of a steep fine to disclose to you all now, YES I have in fact been pitting the local raccoon population against each other in ENTIRELY LEGAL underground trashcan lid street races at night. Over the last 6 months, I have come to raise 7 different raccoons to nothing less than elite-tier street racing status.
While I secured the lid onto my can two nights ago after our usual session, it was revealed via Narc Nancy’s footage that I inadvertently trapped one of the raccoons inside.
Early yesterday, said raccoon (my top athlete) tipped the can over and found himself face-to-face in a race with Death itself as he slid with the total control of a well-trained star weaving expertly through traffic. Bravo!
As recompense for any damages or stress, I vow to keep my raccoon training sessions confined to the hours of 2AM-5AM and will ensure my trashcans are left raccoon-free from now on.
Let’s be real… had I not given these raccoons a purpose in life, they probably would have wandered into that Angelfish’s house and eaten it anyways! I did you a service by prolonging your fish’s life.
I want to personally apologize to anyone injured in the crash, and I double down on the fact that Nancy needs to get a life!